my journey to forever

I've been to paradise ... but I've never been to me

2011-11-30T22:49:00.002-10:00

Its late ... I am dehydrated and not just physically.

Im spiritually dehydrated

and an emotional wreck.

And the words to this song came to my mind and its soooo very weird because I haven't heard this song for almost 30 years. My mother must have loved it and played it over and over again on her record player because it is etched into me. Don't analyze the lyrics too much. Its the overall message that was speaking to me tonight.

Tonight I had a conversation with someone who is very important to me. She challenged me to think about the way I am living my life right now. Its unhappy and unauthentic. Thats when this song began speaking to me ... maybe no one else will get its message tonight but me.

And thats ok.

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you.....

Oh, I've been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I've been to paradise but I've never been to me

Please lady, please lady, don't just walk away
'Cause I have this need to tell you why I'm all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won't you share a part of a weary heart that has lived a million lies....

(it continues on but you probably get the point).

Im am tired

Im tired of living a million lies

of not knowing what it is that I want and being mad at other people for that

I want to be happy

I will be happy

Because I owe it to myself

and my children

and my future self.

And the way to be happy is to BE TRUE

to yourself

and you can't be true to yourself if you don't know

yourself

So Im going to be doing some digging

Im sure it will be a painful process.

But its necessary.

And Its time.

Lately ...

2011-11-27T00:58:00.002-10:00

I’ve been miserable lately. Maybe even for years. Probably 6 years 9 months 17 days and 9hours to be exact. I have tried to be strong. I have tried to think ahead and have an eternal perspective. But sometimes the “text book” answer just doesn’t cut it anymore and all the answers just sound cliche'. All I want is to feel his warm arms around me, and hear his voice tell me everything’s going to be ok. But his arms are cold and his voice is still, and as much as I beg the heavens to whisper to me, I still feel so very alone.

new blog!

2010-11-09T11:44:00.000-10:00

Our new blog:)

http://mozofamily.tumblr.com/

Missing Makana ....

2010-10-29T09:20:00.002-10:00

My son has been gone for 53 days now. Although he was buggin me like crazy, I just want to publicly declare that I miss him. I guess thats the way love is. You always appreciate those you love a lot more when they are gone. I hope he is missing us and loving us more too. Just look at him, he's got mischief written all over his cute smile ....... He will be back November 18th and hopefully my big brother will come back with him. He's never been to Hawaii so I am keeping my fingers crossed. Although I have 6 siblings, my brother Paul is my only sibling that shares the same Dad (yes a long story worthy of a soap opera). Anyway, I just love him and hope he comes to Hawaii. I know he will love it here and wont want to go home. That works for me!

Baby time ....

2010-08-12T11:19:00.002-10:00

Meet my nephew. His name is Decius. He is cute! He is the reason I have not blogged lately (at least that is my story and Im sticking to it). I mean, wouldn't you rather play with him all day too? My mum and sister are visiting me till Friday the 20th. We are shopping and talking and playing and going to the beach and more shopping. Its fun. Maybe I will log on after that.

Love you guys, Nikki.

Anela, Me, Decius and Yani.

Remembering .... February 9, 2005.

2010-07-03T16:58:00.009-10:00

The alarm went off at 6:50am. Jon had set it as usual. It was the same alarm clock he had been given as a present from his parents for graduating from high school. It had been with us every day of our marriage and frankly, it was not my friend! He simply asked, “Hun, can you get it?”. We had just moved, three days earlier into his brother’s house. Our home was going to be lifted and another story put underneath, so we were sleeping on a bunk bed. When we went to sleep the night before, he was with me. But, as I got up to turn off the alarm, he had been replaced with a child. Anela was in bed with me, and he was on the top bunk. Ironic when I think of it now. I turned the alarm off and went back to bed. I had never been a morning person. Jon was. He got up and was in an especially excited mood. Ecstatic almost. He put in a new DVD he had picked up somewhere. It was of some surfers at Teahupoo and one of the surfers had survived a really gnarly wipeout.This got Jon pumped up. He got the kids ready for school and I asked him to pick them up because I was going to go to swap meet. He agreed, yet for some reason I gave Makana the house key and told him just in case, to walk home. He had to use the key that day.

We had had a nice last evening together. We had been working so hard to get the house all packed up in preparation for the build. Jon had worked long hours the days before and we were finally resting in bed. He started kissing me and I smiled. I told him I had not talked to him for so long and I missed him. I asked him if we could talk. “How long do we have to talk?” I smiled again and kissed him back, “not long I said” before I understood his desire and kissed him back into the darkness of the night.

When I was driving home from swap meet, I got a phone call. Where’s Uncle Jon? It was one of the teenagers we had at our house frequently. He’s at the beach I told her. She said that there had been a photographer hurt at Pipeline and it might be him. I assured her that it was not and that he was fine. I kept driving home; I had about another 20 minutes to go. My mind was racing over this information. I had been trying to call Jon for the last couple hours but he was not picking up. I called his brother Allen who had been at the beach with him all day. He answered. His voice was shaky. He said he didn’t know if it was Jon or what was going on. I got off the phone. I needed more information. I dialed 411 for the number to Kahuku Hospital. My phone was dying. The idiots on the other end said there was no Kahuku Hospital. I was loosing reception. Finally I got the number and called the hospital. I thought that a simple phone call would clear this all up and I wouldn’t need to worry. I had no idea what would happen in the next few hours, days, weeks, months, and now years.

“Your husband is here”. Not what I was expecting to hear. “You need to get here as soon as you can but drive safely”. I was already driving. The bendy roads on the windward side went on and on forever. My body started to tingle. Like the circulation to it had stopped, literally like my heart had stopped pumping it through my body. I had been to Kahuku Hospital before not knowing what I would find when I got there. I was lucky that time. When I arrived, I saw that the shark had left all Jon’s body parts in tact and the 100 or so stitches were a welcome relief.It meant there was life there to save. But that time they had cleared him out of Kahuku hospital as quickly as they could. I thought about this as I was winding the roads to get to him. What does this mean? Either it is not serious at all, or it is too late. My body tingled some more. I thought of my husband on a hospital bed and I said to God, “It’s all or nothing”. I knew that Jon could not live a restricted life, void of the things he loved to do. Little did I know when I was bargaining with God, he had already closed the deal.

Jon

we will always miss you ...

until we are together again

On being needed ....

2010-06-24T08:09:00.007-10:00

This summer has been strange!! First of all, Ariana left on a trip to the mainland for 5 weeks.So far she has travelled to Washington State, Idaho and Utah. She is now in Washington DC and is going to spend time on a lake in Virginia and in Maryland and Pennyslvania and who knows where else? She is with her grandma (we call her Lola) and her cousins Kyra and Drake.

She is having a great time but I have never been apart from her for this long and she makes me laugh every day. I need her .....

Then last week, Anela's friends family (Krebs) announced they were going on a trip to the mainland (California, Arizona, Utah) and could they pleeeeeeaaaaasssssssseeeee take her with them. They were leaving in two days and would be coming back near the end of July. Anela and I talked about it that night. I told her that she might be sad and miss me and she couldn't ruin their trip. We went to sleep that night in my bed and I was holding her little hand (as I often do at night when we sleep). She woke up the next morning and proclaimed, "I made a decision" Im going on the trip. She got out of bed, packed her little bag and was gone the next day. But she is the one that gives me all my hugs and kisses and tells me I'm the best almost everyday.

I need her .............

My Son, Makana started working full time. Of course, it is a good thing and he has a good job working construction. But he has to be at the job site by 7 am and he comes home at all times. Sometimes because he stops to surf before dark and sometimes because he stops to see his girlfriend. He is soooo tired after work and surf that he comes home and sleeps. So, I feel like I have not seen him forever. I told him last week, that He is the person in this world I have spent the most time with. More than my mother, and siblings. Even more than his father. And because of that I feel an unusual connection to him. Like he was sent to me to be that person and I haven't seen him lately. I need him .....

And so, my summer has been strange. HOW I LOVE THE AGE 15. Why? because you do not have a drivers license yet. Yes! Somebody needs me for something. I am ok with the fact that I may only be needed for my drivers license. I dont even care. I have been spending my days with this girl....

and since they are glued at the hip ..... with this boy too!

We have been going to places like this ..... (Sandy Beach twice this week)and this .... (Scenic Lookout)
When we got back last night around 11ish (from taking jack home) Amber expressed her thanks for always driving them places. I thought about how our days are numbered. We don't know how many more times we get to drive them, or talk to them, or cook for them, or laugh with them, or watch a movie with them .....
So for all those moments I get to spend with the one girl that needs me this one last summer, I am here for you. Next summer, you will have your license and you wont need me anymore. You will be off running around the island sucking the life out of every day. So for now, I will drive where you want me to drive. Because I get to be with you. And Because I have learned something in this life ... you never know how long things last. And I will treasure each moment I am still needed by you.

Major Update for the month of MAY!!

2010-06-12T12:03:00.019-10:00

A few days ago I found myself disappointed when I checked my friends blogs and no one had updated. No new news to read about .... how rude I thought! Then I realized that I was not doing my part in the circle of blogging friends. So here is an update on the past month of my life. May was a very full and fun (and slightly stressful) month. I finished up my classes in early May, then this is what came next .....

MOTHERS DAY!

In the past few years, this has been a very tough day for me. Husbands play a big part in it. But this year my girls were so thoughtful. I got up, and when I came back to my room I found these notes on my bed. Each child had written something they were thankful for and such sweet love notes.

And I got a beautiful photo of my kids taken by Mark Lee holladayphoto.blogspot.com

I hadn't seen this photo before so it was a nice surprise and they look so gorgeous and grown up (sniff, sniff)
Another love note with from my beautiful girls
Then I was handed this cute little jar with strips of paper inside
this is what I found when I opened them up

they really made me smile. Such a great idea. A simple (and free) gift but I loved it.

Heres what some of the papers said:

-I love when we sing in the car

-I love when I break things and you dont get mad

-I love you because you take me shopping

-I love that you let me have a bebz(boy-that ones from yani). (although I never recalled allowing that).

-i love your smile

-i love when we spend time together

-i love you because your so thoughtful

-i love when you make me mochi

-i love you because you give me good advice

-i love when you laugh so hard you cry

-i love when you take us places like the mall

-i love you because you take me to the beach

-i love the big booty i get from you

-i love your unique parenting ways

-i love you because you drive me places

-i love late night chats

-i love you because you support me in my Hawaiian

-i love eating ice cream with you (must be my children!)

A card I got from Amber
Another photo that I LOVE!!!
Breakfast crepes with strawberries, bananas, chocolate, ice cream, whipped cream, syrup.

What could be better?
The boy on the right of the counter is Matthew Manois. Makana brought him home at around this time and he has been living with us ever since.

So, there was my wonderful mothers day in a nutshell. I am SOOOO very thankful to be a mother to my four amazing children (and a few extras).

ANELAs MAY DAY .... May 13th

On the heels of Arianas Grandeous (is that a word) May Day event, we had Anelas ( a week later). It was soooo much simpler and smaller and felt like the way May day should be. The costumes were simple and cute. Not a lot of money was spent (unlike the week prior from which I had to mortgage a house almost). Anelas was a rock for May Day. They sang a song about going fishing and not taking more than you need. It was toooo cute and a great message we ALL need.

Then they did the Ha'a. It is like the Haka but the Hawaiian version.

We heard many Michael Jackson songs. A tribute to him. Heal the world .......
This is the 6th graders. They represented the different islands. There was no King or Queen.
Anela with her classmate Makani Walker

(isnt he tooo cute!!)
Anela with Aunty Kim. Not the Hawaiian kine Aunty but a real Aunty. Did I forget to mention CARLOS GOT MARRIED ON MAY 5TH!!!!!!!

It was a very cute and fun day. Good job Anela!!!

then

May 20, 2010

HE MADE IT!!! MAKANA ... KAHUKU CLASS OF 2010.

I'm not even going to tell you all the drama that happened the week of graduation because you will think that I have been watching way too much soap operas. Suffice it to say, the week of graduation, Kana was not graduating/walking for 3 different reasons. Just a few hours before graduation he called the Superintendent of Schools and pleaded his case. As the following photos show, yes he walked. I think he had the biggest smile there because it almost didn't happen and he said he must have appreciated graduating/walking more than anyone in his class since it almost didn't happen.

Introducing ...

held at BYU Canon Activities Center
The class (i think less than 300)

Makana held up a sign during the fun song. Ms Mac is the Vice Principal who helped him by telling him to call the Superintendent (therefore allowing him to walk) so he felt she deserved recognition. saya of course is his girlfriend. Yes, I did all the work for 12 years, ya think I would get any credit? jk.
This was when they called his name

Eh. this is Hawaii. We dont just shake hands!

kana with his sisters and mama

(his sign was made very last minute since we had only a few hours notice)
with Lola (grandma -jons mom)
Saya
The three amigos - friends since 7th grade
Makana and Matt Manois (who lives with us)
A HUGE CONGRATULATIONS TO MY SON AND ALL HIS FRIENDS. GOOD JOB. THE JOURNEY JUST BEGINS .......

then

May 27th, 2010

ARIANA GRADUATES FROM KAHUKU ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!

It was a happy day but to be completely honest, I had some tears in my eyes. How did this happen so fast? This is the school we put the kids in when we moved from Mililani more than 5 years ago. Yani is the last one here (anela at Hauula Hawaiian Immersion) so we were saying goodbye to the teachers and the school too. Were lucky to have many special memories here.

Onward and upward!!

Her graduating class

Hugs and thanks to the teachers
million dollar smile
They sang a medley of Michael Jackson songs .... fun, fun, fun
With her besties Lila kaka and Aimee Sorensen

Hugs from Amber

Lola (Jons mom)
Long time friend Samuta
me, yani, Jasmin and mom (YW president)
The current crush .... Keala Santiago
So friends, do you see why I have not had time to blog. I hope you appreciate the sacrifice of my saturday so I could get all these photos out to you. We wish you were here with us to be a part of all of this but I guess this is the next best thing. We love you and think of you all often.

A Hui hou .... till next time.

My May Day Queen

2010-05-09T21:27:00.015-10:00

Thursday May 6th was Kahuku Elementary Schools May Day Program at BYU Canon Activities Center. Ariana was the May Day Queen. The Queen is voted in by their peers. It was very fun and exciting for her. We had to have a white dress made and she had to learn to dance a hula, and a solo. While watching her dance, I felt Jon's presence really strong, wanting to tell her how much he loves her. She dedicated her song to him. It was very touching, she did a very good job. We are so proud of her and love that she is a part of our family. She's so fun and brings our family much humor and joy. I already posted these photos on facebook, but Im reposting here for my anti-facebook friends. Plus, its nice to showoff some more. LOVE you Yani girl!!

Before everything started, she doesn't look nervous to me?

Walking in with King Kesi

Crowning the Queen

Dancing with her King.

Ariana dancing her solo. She did a really good job. I would have been so scared!!!

Celebrating with her friends

Yani with her best friends Lia and Amie

Queen Ariana and King Kesi

Yani, I LOVE your smile!!

Mama and her Queen

I HATE HOMEWORK!!

2010-04-28T09:19:00.004-10:00

You have not seen or heard much of me lately because this is where I have been. Up to my ears in papers!! This is the last week to turn them in at school and so I have been sitting on my bum for days on end writing. You would think I would learn by now not to procrastinate and leave everything till the week it is due. Just this morning as I signed up for next semesters classes, I vowed to be a good student and start my papers at the beginning of the semester. So, now I must depart and get back to my final paper.

Friday, I plan to lay on the beach and let my face feel the sun. Who cares if I get more wrinkles or dark spots!!! I am not doing homework this weekend. (yes I do have 2 more tests next week, but NO PAPERS!)
AND THEN, AFTER ALL THAT WORK IS DONE. I PLAN ON FEELING LIKE THIS WOMAN!!! YAY SUMMER HERE I COME. I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR WONDERFUL ALMOST 4 MONTHS TOGETHER ..........

New Photos of the kids

2010-04-19T12:53:00.005-10:00

The kids left me at home yesterday after church to do a photo shoot of themselves. Im pretty sure the pictures are for me for mothers day. Or, its just a good excuse to go surfing on Sunday. It was super cold and windy. Here are a few of the photos. Thought you might enjoy!!

2010-04-13T15:50:00.002-10:00

Anelas baptism day!

2010-03-28T17:17:00.012-10:00

This is one of those posts that have way too many photos. But we had such a special, jammed packed day! The most amazing part was Anelas baptism. We were so excited and happy for her. It was one of those new "Stake" baptisms where they do all the kids in the stake once a month. Were weren't sure how it was going to be but I must say that it was very convenient to just show up and not have to plan anything (i did give a talk on the holy ghost by that was fine).

Here she is right before we went inside the chapel

Anela Herenui Roimata Mozo

with her brother Makana'akua Keao Mozo

I am so proud of you Makana for being able to baptize Anela. I know it took some sacrifice and changes. Ones that you will never regret! You can always say, I baptized my sister!!!

(he said he felt the spirit really strong right before he gave the baptism prayer. I know his dad was there beside him too).
This photo was accidently over-exposed but I like the way it turned out. This is the first photo right after she got baptized. It reminds me of Heaven. She really looks like an Anela (Angel).
Thank you to Aunty Kelly Bishop for the special towel.
Group photo of some of the people that came to see her get baptized.
Families are Forever ...
Anela with her friend Kaile Krebbs

After the baptism we all came back to the house for a big lunch. It was delicious!

Amber and Caleb Bishop. Brother & Sista ...
The Runnels, Rivers, Fatongia Family. Thank you for always being there to love and support us
Kyra & Yani. Growing up way too fast.
This is Sayaka. Makanas girlfriend. She is a sweetie ....
jack & Ber ...
My dear friend and Sister, Sas Runnels.

After we ate, we all headed down to the beach for sun and surf. We just went to Castles @ Malaekahana which is not the best "surfing" waves but everyone had so much fun! It was just good to be together.

Yani .... and Kyra having fun!
Amber and Jack. Small waves but fun times ....
After we got home from the beach we fed the missionaries and then we relaxed and slept. What a day!! Thank you to everyone who came to share the day with us. We love you all. Jon we missed your physical presence with us today but somehow I know you were there. Where else would you be on such a special day when our baby got baptized! Im so grateful for the gospel in our lives and the knowledge of eternal families. Anela, this is just the beginning of a beautiful adventure and we all love you so very much.

Ask and ye shall receive ...

2010-03-28T15:06:00.005-10:00

My three girls have been sharing one large bedroom. There are definite pros and cons to this arrangement. My girls are all VERY different from each other. Amber loves things clean and organized and yani ..... doesn't care. To make a long (and sometimes loud) story short, Amber decided she had had enough (after finding her favorite pair of underwear on her sisters body). She sent a text to the very busy David Evans that basically said, "it's my birthday. Can you make me a fatty wall in my room to keep my sisters out of my stuff". He was there the very next morning. (yes, he is also building 11 other houses at the same time). I told her she is very spoiled and she smiled her million dollar smile and said, "ask and ye shall receive". We need to have a talk about how that is usually not the case (except with her for some reason it is ????). Yet secretly, I am SO thankful to Dave for responding to her request. It just helps remind us that we are loved .....

(amber will post more photos of her room when complete).

I love these guys ... (no one tell carlos I said that though). Dave and Carlos.

This is the wall on yani and nellies side.

The room separated and Ambers new closet.

answered prayers ????

2010-03-28T14:19:00.006-10:00

How I love my friend Stacey and her two girls. Whenever I am with her I feel closer to my Savior and my Heavenly Father. Her story reminds me of how our Heavenly Father hears our prayers and sends us exactly what we need, when the time is right, and often we do not see it coming. This past Wednesday a thought entered my mind about my friend Stacey and her upcoming move. I thought of all the unwritten papers I had vowed to do this spring break and yet the thought persisted. I said to Amber, "we need to go see Aunty Stacey". (I love having her home with me btw). She agreed and so we picked up Nellie from school and we went. This is where it gets good. In my mind I was just sacrificing a few hours of my day to my friend. Little did I know that my friend was feeling a little down because she was missing her husband, and feeling overwhelmed with the move. I do not know what her prayers were that morning. I do know however, that the same Father in Heaven that loves me and sends me help when I need it, loves my dear friend just the same, and whispered in my ear. I am so glad he did. And thank you to my beautiful girls who watched over precious Kalea and Naomi while I was building boxes. IT FEELS SO GOOD TO SERVE !!! ..... I know we received more than we gave by being there for a few hours that day.
(photos by amber)

Mommy loves you SO much ...

Two sweet miracles

Anela loved playing Mommy with a for-real baby

Whatever you need my friend ...

Ambers Blog

2010-03-21T23:15:00.002-10:00

Amber started blogging. This is the address:

http://amber-ngaio.blogspot.com

this is a personal/fun blog to keep you updated on her life.

Her photography blog will follow soon .......

Spring Break ... and PROM!!

2010-03-19T20:49:00.009-10:00

Today was the last day of spring break. The weather was not that great but Yani wanted to go to the beach for reasons that have nothing to do with a boy of course. So, we were supportive and went. The kids looked like they had fun in the little waves.
Amber decided not to bring her board down to the beach but when Yani wasn't looking she ran off with her surfboard. Yani tried to get it back ...

For a split second it looked like she might have a chance ....

But then I remembered Amber always gets her way.

Yani was forgiving as she always is and they had fun.

(photo with her bestie Lilia Kaka)

IN OTHER WEIRDNESS TODAY ....

So we come back from the beach so Makana can get ready for prom. Amber took a shower and started watching a DVD with Jack. Then Makana tells her that his friend doesn't have a date because his date broke her leg and can she come to prom (first of all they are all dressed and ready already, 2nd ... she doesn't have a dress or any make-up or hair done; 3rd, she is not permitted to go because the school requires you to be older!) Of course, Amber doesn't care about any of those things and tells him that she would go. WHAT!!!!! So she throws on this little bubble dress (I guess he is wearing green so it kinda matches) and is gone. I told her if she didnt get in I would come pick her up but I never got a call so I guess as I write this she is at Kahuku High Junior Senior Prom (of which she is no longer a student). Heres a few pics of her with her ever so handsome brother and his date Sayaka.

Sunday afternoons ....

2010-03-18T22:30:00.016-10:00

This year we get out of church by 11am and so we have the whole day ahead of us still. The rule for Sunday is that whatever we do, we have to do it together. Lately, we have had some great sundays spending time together. This past sunday amber documented most of it so I thought I would share it with you. It was almost perfect (if only Jon were here).
It was a happy day. Warning way too many photos ahead ....
Just got home from church. Lets get lunch. Any helpers?
Amber trying to take a shot and be in it at the same time.

Me after church ...

I decided to make bread and find people to give it to. Heres me Teaching Yani how.

Nellie learning how to make bread. Shes a great helper.

Yani with our bread. Good job girl!

Nellie and Yani passing time playing cards.

Yani asked Amber to shape her eyebrows. Amber pretended she messed them up and almost made Yani cry. Luckily they could laugh about it.

Happiness ...

Ever read the story of the Little Red Hen? where the other animal doesnt help but wants to eat the bread ....
(notice how he just scoops it out with a spoon?)

Makana and his baby sisters. So cute ...

We cannot stay at home all day when we look out the window and see how beautiful it is outside. One of our favorite things to do on Sunday is to go to pounders around 4pm. We took the camera and some pumpkin pie. It was perfect.
Amber and Anela. How'd you both get so beautiful.

I love my girls. I could never have imagined how fulfilling it would feel to have them in my life.

Can't have a perfect day without our doggie, Mahina.

Makana and Amber. Siblings by birth .... friends by choice

Amber insisted on a few photos of me. She said she has to record her "mum" at every age.

Cartwheels .... Yes, the girls were shocked I could still do them.

I love dark chocolate!! (that's what we call Yani)

Pumpkin Pie at Pounders = PERFECT!!

Yanster ..... not too much whipped cream!

Of course, no day can be perfect without a quick visit with Jack.

We dropped off bread in Laie and took a quick drive around the temple. Can't wait till its open again. Every time we see it we sing:
"I love to see the temple. I'll go inside someday ...."

Sunday Sunset! Every day is a gift ....

Thats the end of our perfect sabbath SUnday. Hope you enjoyed! Come join us anytime .....

Photo shoot at Papailoa 3/11/10

2010-03-12T14:40:00.010-10:00

I know, amber needs to get her own blog up with her photos. But, I am so happy she is shooting that I wanted to post a few of her last photo shoot on Thursday. The family were so nice and beautiful. Every time she shoots, she gets better and more confident. I am so happy she is doing what she loves. Thank you to big brother Makana for driving her everywhere and being the best assistant ever!

Beautiful Sunset on 3/11/10 "Lucky we live Hawaii"

To Daddy ... I miss you.

2010-03-10T01:37:00.002-10:00

Anela was looking through albums the other day and she started to cry. It amazes me how connected she feels to her Daddy who she has no memory of. She drew this for him .... its a picture of him swimming in the ocean and taking pictures. I know she feels of his love and I only pray that he can feel ours. This is for you Daddy. We love you and miss you so much.

Our little artist ....

2010-03-10T01:18:00.008-10:00

At school this week Anela has been learning about running a business. She was selling her acrylic paintings. Today she said her 5 paintings sold in "like 5 seconds" and so she had to paint more tonight. I thought I would scan them since we will never see them again. Here is a glimpse at her original images. She's such an artist and it has been really fun to add art into our lives. We will be painting some more tomorrow if all these sell ;-)

Peace and Love

I told her about the artist, Heather Brown and we looked at her website together. This ones "Heather Brown" style.

Anela was copying her dads photo: Gods Garden

Happy Hibiscus

My Sweetheart ...

2010-03-09T21:11:00.002-10:00

A couple days ago one of Jons friends from High School sent me this photo. We attended a wedding and she took it. I have never seen it before. It's always a strange and wonderful feeling when I see something of Jons or about Jon for the first time. Its like a new discovery. It's hard to explain, but it feels like a piece of me coming back ... coming home. It makes his existence in my life feel more real and not so far away from me. Heres the photo of his beautiful smile ......

AMBERS' PHOTO SHOOT

2010-03-07T21:35:00.013-10:00

Amber had a photo shoot this past week and she did a great job! She took about 500 photos and here are just a few of the underwater shots she did. She also took "normal" family photos but I wanted to post just a few of these. Most of you don't know this, but Amber withdrew from Kahuku High School last week Monday. She will study for her GED and work on her photography business. Many people "freak out" about this and tell me I am crazy for allowing her to do that, but I know my daughter and we have had many hours of discussion about it and some prayers. We both believe that this is the best avenue for her to accomplish her dreams. She is willing to do the work it will take to succeed with her photography and I know that she will. It was so great to watch her at work this week. She is building her portfolio so she can add images to her website. I will let you know when it is up and running. It makes me happy that her and Makana are continuing their Dads work. Im sure he's smiling from Heaven ....

Hard at work.

Makanas job was to make the baby smile and hold his towel. Good teamwork!

CUTE CUTE CUTE LITTLE BOY!!

35 pounds later!

2010-03-07T20:30:00.002-10:00

Yesterday morning I was hanging out with Makana at the beach while Amber was doing a photo shoot there. I showed him how my clothes are all baggy now so he snapped this photo. That morning, we were in a hurry so I quickly grabbed this pair of pants and a belt. It hadn't worn these pants for months, so it was a nice surprise to see that they don't fit me. YAY!!! Sacrifice does pay off. If only I can keep it off.

If a dog was the teacher ....

2010-03-02T19:38:00.001-10:00

I really liked this and thought I would share...

If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like:
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
- Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
- Take naps. Stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout! Run right back and make friends.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
- Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

We survived the Tsunami!

2010-02-28T15:02:00.003-10:00

Saturday morning we were told to evacuate and being the stubborn person that I am, I didnt want to. I somehow felt safe in my house upstairs and knew we would be ok but friends who love us told us to leave so we went to my mother in laws house in the middle of the island. We waited for 6 hours and watched the news and nothing happened. Thank you to all our friends who were praying for us and left messages of love and concern. It is a blessing of course that nothing happened, but we were annoyed at having done nothing all day. So, we went swimming at Pounders in the afternoon and had a great time. Here's a few photos of the girls.

Kyra, Yani and Nellie ...

add Amber ...

Nellie and Me!

For service to a grateful Nation ... a tribute to my father in law

2010-02-27T13:53:00.005-10:00

Once a US Flag is lifted from the casket it is tilted down in front of the casket to block the view. The flag is then held up for everyone to see and taps is then played softly in the distance. This is referred to as, "Presenting the Colors". Tradition holds that at this time the fighting spirit of the veteran then enters the flag. Once the flag has been folded, both the Flag and the veteran are formally "retired" forever.(photos: Kelly Bishop).

Wednesday afternoon at Pounders

2010-02-24T22:05:00.010-10:00

The kids get out of school early wednesdays and Anela really wanted to go to the beach. We didnt want to go too far so we just ended up at Pounders today. Although we didn't get there till 4pm it was still beautiful, and thankfully the waves were small so Nellie could swim.

Anela and Nikki enjoying the beauty

Amber ... just look over here and smile girl!

Jack and Amber ...

Tandem ...

T.J Wright (Jack/Ambers friend)

Cupcakes at school for Anelas birthday ...

2010-02-24T21:33:00.011-10:00

For those of you who do not know yet, Anela recently switched schools to the Hawaiian Immersion Program. This means that all her schooling is in Hawaiian. It has been an adjustment but she is doing so good and learning fast. She will be speaking fluent Hawaiian in no time. The great thing about this program is the small class size and the love and support she feels there. After they sang her happy birthday, the kids all circled her and gave her a huge hug. We love you Nellie and are so proud of you.
Friends ....

Anela and Mama

Anela (3rd from the left) with her class.

Anela with her teacher, Kumu Anela.

My son ...

2010-02-24T21:26:00.001-10:00

I just wanted to share this recent photo of Makana. It makes me smile because it reminds me of his Dad. I don't know if its because of the hat or the phone or the smile, or all the above. When I look at Makana, Jon is not too far from my thoughts.

Happy Birthday Nellie!!

2010-02-19T08:33:00.005-10:00

Today is my babys birthday. I cannot believe she is turning 8. I looked over a few of her photos this morning and tears came to my eyes. I thought of a little note she gave me at Valentines. It said, "I love you so much I can't even explain how much I love you". Ditto to you my sweet girl. Thank you for the joy you have brought to our lives for eight years. We love you soooo much! Hope you have a happy birthday!!!

Kung Hee Fat Choy

2010-02-15T14:39:00.002-10:00

It's year of the Tiger! Here is the Year of the Tiger Predictions (courtesy of our graphic designer friend - stacey leong)
The Year of The Tiger begins on February 14th 2010. Drama, intensity, change and travel will be the keywords for 2010. The Year of the Tiger will bring far reaching changes for everyone, so it won’t be a dull 12 months for anyone. New inventions and incredible technological advances have a good chance of occurring. For all of the Chinese horoscope signs, this year is one to be active — seizing opportunities and making the most of our personal and very individual talents. Everything happens quickly and dramatically in a Tiger year — blink and you could miss an important chance of a lifetime!

I was born during the year of the Dog. Here is my personalized forecast for this coming year. Sounds exciting!

The Dog

One of the most honest and loyal signs of the Chinese zodiac and will always go to bat for a worthy cause. The Dog is a fantastic listener and her advice is usually very intuitive.

Forecast for 2010
The Year of the Tiger will be an excellent one for all Dogs with a significant improvement in fortune all year long. They must leave the past behind, for the Ox year was a challenging one, and look forward with optimism and determination. There will still be challenges this year for the Dog, as for all the signs, and it is important that she talk over any potential problems and worries rather than bottling them up. Socially, this is the Dog’s year to shine and many new strong friendships and alliances will be formed. The Year of the Tiger will see increased finances for the Dog with many receiving bonuses or even gifts throughout the year. However, it is important that she takes her time regarding financial matters, checking details and ensuring that he has read all the fine print. May to August will be very significant for single Dogs and all invitations should be carefully considered! September through November will have crucial career opportunities – don’t miss them! Recreational activities and hobbies will also feature strongly, with some able to turn their hobby into their career with great success.

February 14, 2010.

2010-02-14T23:56:00.007-10:00

Happy Valentines Day. These roses are from my incredible mother in law who has only been a widow for a month now. She got a rose from her to me and one from Jon to me too. So sweet. Makana took the photo. (creative I thought). Amber and myself in the background.

Today was a special day for anela. She performed for the first time as a Hawaiian Immersion student. She was nervous but cute. There is a photo of her with her class and then with all 11 immersion schools. The future of the Hawaiian Language is in their hands. (she is the 5th student from the left).

A wide angle shot of the event and me and the girls hanging out on the lawn. This is called " Waikiki Shell" for those not familiar and diamond head is to the right of it.

At the end of the day we go to get Panda Express (my kids favorite) and we happen to see Kyra there (their 1st cousin - Chris' daughter). The girls were so happy and excited to see her we took these photos. Plus amber took the photo of me, at the end of the day. Ready to get into the truck and drive everyone home. It was a busy but good day with those I love. Hope yours was too .......

February 9, 2010.

2010-02-14T23:50:00.002-10:00

This is Mary Falatea and me on February 9th. We spend the day together because it is her late husbands birthday and the day that Jon died. This February 9th we went to Pipeline for most of the day, then the cemetary, and then ended up at Laie Chop Suey for dinner. She knows how I feel and vice versa ..... some days I wish that wasn't the case but I'm glad we have each other.
Sorry I didnt get any other photos of the day. It was a beautiful day at Pipe and the kids had fun playing in the water. It was good to be with my mother in law and Jons brother Allen too.

2010-02-11T10:03:00.002-10:00

Early Valentines ...

2010-02-07T19:12:00.003-10:00

Its ok that I don't get a physical gift for valentines. Today I got a gift from my kids that was even better! We were sitting around talking about what songs they used for their ringtones for certain people and Makana and Amber had both chosen the same song for me. Awwwwww .... It makes all the tough times worthwhile.
Its called Angel by Flipsyde.
Heres some lyrics:

Now you've been up and you've been down
Stayed strong even though daddy wasn't around
My momma through the thick and the thin beginning to end
And though I be sinning you keep me livin' with that love that you givin'
It's unconditional hey the sun shines when I see a smile on ya face
My momma with the money and jewels the record and tours
I'd give it away if I could make your days happy days
And when my hearts broke and can't cope I'm comin' on home
To remember the reason why I was born
Cuddle up inside your heavenly arms you help me weather the storm
You love music so I put it in song

[Chorus]
She's an Angel workin' on God's train
She's an Angel workin' on me
She's an Angel workin' on God's train
She's an Angel workin' on me

Some photos from this week

2010-02-07T18:46:00.008-10:00

Just a few photos from the past few days .... can't believe how fast they are growing up. Some days I wish they would stop (growing up that is) other days I like it because they are turning into such good friends. The other morning I jumped into bed with Kana and recited one of our favorite books from his childhood, "I'll love you forever".
"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be". They may be growing up but they will always be my babies to me!"

(All photos taken by Amber)

wish I had those eyes!

Too cute ....

2010-02-01T00:18:00.002-10:00

I have not bought a single bikini, but for some reason my girls have a basket of them and have been wearing them for quite some time. So, yesterday we were happily surprised when we came across some cute one pieces. I was even more surprised when Amber told me she would wear them. YAY!! Although the point of it is so they can be more "modest", I still feel like I should keep them locked up at home!

Jack

2010-02-01T00:17:00.002-10:00

My dear friend Stacey and her 2 little miracles ...

2010-01-31T23:21:00.009-10:00

I love my friend stacey and her two daugters Naomi and Kalea. Today we got to hang out a little. Thanks for sharing your girls with us Stacey.

winter break in hawaii

2010-01-03T20:19:00.008-10:00

While driving along the windward coast today Anela said, "Were so lucky we live in Hawaii". The ocean just looked so beautiful as we drove along side it. (yes, its always more beautiful on Sundays!) Tomorrow is the last day of winter break and then they are back at school. We have had a great time at the beach. Here are a few photos:

I LOVE this photo of Anela and Makana. Walking down the beach for a private surf lesson.

Stand up Nellie ...

YOU DID IT! (enlarge this one to click on her face, it's classic!)

Fun in the sun with big sister Amber. "SHe always takes me surfing!"

Hope this photos warm you all up!! Sending lots of sunshine your way!

annual photo shoot

2009-12-07T11:23:00.008-10:00

Its that time of the year to take our family photo. You would of thought I was taking them to the dentist or to get shots! We literally had some people in tears. I was tempted to give in and just say, "forget it!!" but in the end I made them do it and here are a few photos from our shoot. (double click to see them larger)
Taken December 5, 2009 at Turtle Bay.

THE END! TILL NEXT YEAR ...

80s Party

2009-11-29T17:23:00.007-10:00

ABOUT A MONTH OR MORE AGO WE WENT TO OUR FRIENDS 80S PARTY. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!! HERE ARE SOME OF THE PHOTOS.

My Homecoming King

2009-09-28T08:54:00.006-10:00

This past weekend was Homecoming for Kahuku High School and Makana was Homecoming King. He had a lot of fun doing it.
He rode in on a convertible in his white tuxedo (friday night). Unfortunately the lights went out and the game was postponed. We came back on saturday for the game and lei presentations. I love you Kana, your the best son ever!!! The pictures are in the wrong order with Saturday first and then friday. Sorry!! too lazy to change it.

With the beautiful Homecoming Queen Pare Mahoni

My last trip to Utah ...

2009-09-06T10:51:00.002-10:00

If you choose to watch this it requires patience. A minute or two to download and then you get a white screen for a minute and then it will pop up =)

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Makana at work ...

2009-09-03T08:05:00.002-10:00

This is not a very good photo of Makana but it is the only one I have ever seen of him at work.
He looks mad. He said its probably because he is area, which means he is given an area of tables to
to take care of and be their "waiter". He prefers to just refill the food or scrape the plates in the back.
He has been working now for 9 months. Good job Makana. It is every night from 4 to 8pm.
ANyway, heres a shot of him in his uniform. SMille Kana =)

For Sarah and Kelly

2009-08-31T15:58:00.008-10:00

So, now that Sarah has a blog she's getting all bossy (I know, not a surprise ) about me updating mine. So this is for Sarah and Kelly. I told them my last blog entry was still current since I am still working on getting back in shape!!! Anyway, I must thank them and Sas for having a birthday get together for me yesterday. It was really nice. For years now (since Jon's been gone) I have been sad on my birthday and not really wanted to do anything but yesterday I was not sad at all. I woke up after a good nights rest in my nice big Bed (yes empty except for me) in my air conditioned bedroom and I found notes that my kids had posted for me around the house. We had a nice breakfast together and ate crepes, yummy!!! Then I got two leis, one from Chailoh and another from the kids. Makana bought me a dozen red roses, SPoiled!! Church was nice, lots of people said Happy Birthday and then the runnels (that means Rivers and Fatongias too) started showing up. We had a delicious taco festival with lots of desserts (too many) and I was so full when everyone left. So, thanks to my friends and family for being so good to me. I love you all. I did have a small Jon moment. I was sitting in sunday school by myself and I thought of him. He was sitting next to me and he put his arm around me and said Happy Birthday. It is hard to know if he is really there or if I imagine him there, but many times when those thoughts come out of the blue - I wonder if they are small moments of eternity trying to pierce through to us.
Either way, it was nice. Mahalo everyone! I love you guys ...

Kelly made these chocolate strawberries. She combined my love of strawberries and her love of chocolate. A perfect match!

Getting back in Shape (which shape is the question)

2009-07-30T09:15:00.005-10:00

Don't you love when your kids are honest? sometimes NOT! This past sunday AMber told me how fat we were all getting and we need to go on diets. So, this week we have been trying to work out every day and eat a little better (just one brownie instead of 3!). I got to admit, I dont mind working out, I just want to eat whatever I want, so I thought you might like these cartoons I stole from my friends facebook page. Gotta go work out now ....

The Tooth Fairy

2009-07-21T09:27:00.003-10:00

So Anela lost a tooth yesterday while I was out running errands. She told me about it but I had forgotten 10 seconds later. So, this morning, she slipped into my bed telling me that the Tooth Fairy had not come. I had to explain that the tooth fairy is very busy and sometimes takes her a couple nights to get here depending on the amount of teeth she has to collect at that time.
Anela asked me a few questions like, "what does she do with the teeth" and "where does she get her money to pay for the teeth".
(usually $5 at our house due to guilt of taking forever to get there). Anyway, I told Anela that I did not know the answers to her questions about the tooth fairy and she simply said, "Im going to google it .... Im interested". My, the things this generation comes up with.

Moments with Elder Isaac Runnels

2009-07-05T15:49:00.008-10:00

In the Joseph Smith Memorial Building

Elder Runnels with Matt and Kelly Bishop

isaacs mission call

2009-05-08T23:49:00.002-10:00

Makana going to Prom ...

2009-03-30T13:30:00.004-10:00

So, Kana went off to his first Prom. I just wanted to post a few photos. He said he had fun and that he was nervous. He took a friend of his good friend. She does not go to his school. A bunch of friends got a limo together. He's not wearing Tux pants because they were 5 inches too long. He decided to wear his vans for shoes but whatever, he was comfortable and looked very handsome!

A tribute to my Grandad ... From Nikki ...

2009-03-13T09:15:00.001-10:00

Two nights ago my Grandad died. He is the only grandad that I have ever know. He was old and had been in the hospital for 7 weeks. I just want to mention how amazing he was. He was not a member of the church and smoked until recent years. As a child I always remember him smoking a pipe. He served in the 2nd world war. He lost his first wife right after the war and they had a young son. My Nana had lost her husband (he was 24) and my mum was only 3 years old, so the two were paired up together. They decided to leave England and start a new adventure together in New Zealand. My Grandad was a good father to my mum. He treated her like his own daughter and we were his grandchildren. I can say in all honesty that I do not have one single negative memory of him. All my memories of him include him smiling his big smile, and laughing and making jokes. Im sure Jon is enjoying showing him around up there and will preach him the gospel. Grandad gets to see his young bride. That must be strange after 60 years with someone else. I wonder? Plus he gets to meet my Nanas first husband. Even though he was old, its still hard to realize he is not sitting in his rocking chair at home anymore or working in his garden. He was great with Roses. He will love the flowers in heaven. Thank you grandad for loving me all these years. I will miss you. If I get my scanner working I will try to post a photo of him.

Ryan Jungs Homecoming

2009-01-26T09:09:00.002-10:00

Yesterday I woke up before 6am on my mission to make it all the way to Mililani ward by 8:30am. I was so proud of myself for making it with 15 minutes to spare. I usually cant make it to my own ward up the road on time! I just wanted to share a photo from yesterday. It was so wonderful to witness Ryans return from his mission. He served diligently and faithfully. I felt nostalgic yesterday as I thought about the special moments and times spent in Mililani. Jon served as Ryans deacon leader and I thought of Jon and the time he had spent with Ryan. I thought that perhaps Jon would get a chance to peek in on him yesterday and smile and say "well done". There is such a special spirit when our youth make right choices. I felt it again last night as I sat on my couch talking to Isaac. I was sharing my heart with him and some of my struggles, and I felt the spirit touch me as he shared words of encouragement with me. Thanks to you too Ema for being there for me last night and for loving me unconditionally. I feel strengthened this morning. Thank you Ryan and Isaac for your good examples to me. Im on my way back ....

We miss you Jon ....

2008-12-09T22:16:00.003-10:00

I know I haven't been on here for a long time. Soon I will catch up and put something about Christmas. Amber was just saying last night that it has come so fast she hasnt even felt the "Christmas spirit" yet. Anyway, here is a photo of her we just took on Sunday. We went to check on Jons grave and it was looking a little neglected, but Amber still wanted to take a photo with her Dad. We miss you Jon ... remember those Crazy Christmas parties he use to have?

One more halloween ...

2008-11-01T00:23:00.006-10:00

Ariana as a maid. Me as a dream girl and ANela as a gogo girl. FUN!!!

Tonight I went trick or treatin' with Anela and Ariana. I must admit, Halloween is not my favorite holiday and I did nothing special for the kids. No decorations, no special meals, no costumes even, we just had to use what we have. Even though I have spent a number of years in the USA, I still have a hard time understanding the concept if spending a lot of money on large amounts of candy we cannot consume. (we did not have halloween in New Zealand when I was growing up). Nevertheless, what I did tonight was put on a smile (and even a costume) and walk around Laie with them until they were satisfied. I mean, thats what love really is anyway.... isn't it about giving up your time to your kids so they have fun, even if you couldn't care less.
Makana and AMber were not with me tonight. They decided to go to the North Shore and spend time with their friends. This is the first time EVER I have been without them on halloween and I admit, it was hard. I really missed them and it made me grateful that I took advantage of the time I have left with the younger two, because one day they wont need me. Im glad today that I had to carry Anelas candy bag for her and even carry her shoes. Im glad that she needed help putting on and taking off her earings and costume. Its ok with me that she needs my help through one more halloween....

My men ...

2008-10-28T12:18:00.002-10:00

Since I just put photos up with me and the girls, I thought I should also include Makana and Jon.
This maybe isnt the best photo to compare them with, but the first one I could find.
Doing this was a reminder to me that Makana is not just mine. He is Jons only son, and I need to
remember there are many things Jon wanted him to learn. Things that we have not yet mastered, like hard work
and humility and respect. I wish he could have learnt these things from his father (as well as how to drive).
Jon, any help from heaven would be greatly appreciated!!

Flying off track ....

2008-10-28T11:03:00.003-10:00

Without going into details, let me just say that I am flying a little "off track". I was thinking about this yesterday in the shower and remembered reading Steven Coveys book, 7 habits of Highly Effective Families. In it, he talks about how we are off track 90% of the time. Yes, I have a flight plan but I am stuck in some wind and rain turbulence right now. The key to getting back is having a sense of destination. As members of the church, we know what that destination is. But sometimes it seems so far away and impossible to reach, that I feel I am flying around aimlessly. I know what I need to do, and that is to check in with the control tower. Easier said than done right now. But I am not going to get down on myself. My hope lies "not in the deviations, but in the
vision, the plan, and the ability to get back on track" (covey).

Little Nikki?

2008-10-26T21:24:00.006-10:00

Amber and I are told almost everyday now that she is looking more like me. Today we took pictures together to analyze if they are right. What do you guys think??

2008-10-26T21:21:00.000-10:00

Me with my girls

2008-10-26T21:12:00.003-10:00

Just took a couple photos today after church on Photo Booth.
Here we are Sunday October 26, 2008.
Ariana (10), Amber (13), Anela (6) and Me!!! (21 of course=)

Swimming with the Dolphins

2008-10-14T11:36:00.004-10:00

On friday AMber was invited by our friend Paul Javier, to go and swim with the Dolphins.
SOmething that Jon has taken us to do a few times. AMber had an wonderful time. Here is
just a few photos from her morning (hard to see the dolphins).

Thursdays sunset at Sunset Beach

2008-10-14T11:32:00.002-10:00

On thursday night it was just Amber, Makana and myself. Ariana and Anela were at Grandmas house. The kids wanted to surf so we headed to North Shore. Makana had a great session and Amber and I enjoyed this sunset together. Arent we lucky we live in Hawaii??

The Camping Queens

2008-10-11T11:09:00.005-10:00

Mary and I had this great idea to take all the kids camping this past week. What were we thinking??? Of course the kids had tons of fun but mary and I needed to keep escaping to the beach to make it through each day. It was like feeding the 5 thousand. Heres a photo of us working on our tan. Thanks Mary for being my partner and friend. You are a brave woman.

Makana and Amber

2008-10-11T11:04:00.002-10:00

I realized that I do not have any information about my children on my blog so here is a new photo I just found. Amber is home
schooled but likes to go to have lunch at school with Makana (and her other friends) about once a week. This photo was taken at their lunch. Arent they cute?????

One More Angel in Heaven ...

2008-09-30T08:05:00.005-10:00

After I wrote my last blog I decided that the next thing I write about would be happy. And then my friend Les died. I havent been able to bring myself to write anything since. My blog feels like it has turned into a list of things that bring me heartache. Yet, I am so thankful for the fun and spiritual times I have had with Les, because we had many of both. Just 8 days before he died I was inspired to ask him to come over and give us blessings. He came and spent a few hours with us. It was one of those rare times that no one else was here, just me and the kids. We talked, and laughed, and he blessed us. Little did I know that the things he was blessing me with, he would help with from the other side. After Jon died, Les would call me up just to check on me. He always asked me if I had gone on a date yet =) When Ariana turned 8 she picked Uncle Les to baptize her. Thank you Les for your love to me and the kids. Thank you for being a great example to me and the children. You taught us to love life and to "charge em". You taught us to love Heavenly Father and be obedient. You taught us to love our family and serve them. You taught us how to love our brothers and sisters (everyone) and be kind. I know Jon must be happy to see you and that you guys are having a great time there in Heaven. I promise to do my best to help Mary and the kids. Remember that we still need your help here. I miss you. Promise to watch over us from Heaven .....

One day my heart ache will be gone ....

2008-08-05T21:58:00.004-10:00

I"m back in Utah. After Lamars funeral I went home to my kids and my life and found that my heart was still here with Yasmin and all her kids so I turned around and came back. I have to leave again in 4 days and my heart is aching. Yasmin is one of my most dearest friends and now we are both widows. I wish we could live next door to each other again, but Heavenly Father has his own plans which do not include that right now. Spending so much time with them again has been a blessing, but now as I prepare to leave I realize again how painful love is. I have always loved yasmin but now I have fallen in love with her kids, and I do not want to live without them. I want to be here when they come home from school and talk about their day. I want to feed them when they run in and out of the door to play sports and listen stories about whose "cute". It has been a pattern in my life to have to live without the people I love. As I child, I always yearned for my father who I never saw. Then, when I went to boarding school I learned to love sisters in my dorm who I never saw again. As I travelled to Hawaii to BYU I missed my family and friends terribly. And now, as a widow, I miss my husband every day. Will my heart always feel like it is breaking! I dont know how much longer I can handle it. The only way to get rid of the pain is to not experience love. I guess Im just not willing to pay that price. Love is worth all the pain that comes along with it. I have hope that one day, my heartache will be gone ........... one day.

Goodbye Lamar (part II)

2008-07-11T19:50:00.002-10:00

yasmin and her 2 girls, kristen and anela
8 pallbearers - lamars sons, grandsons and brother
anela and kristen saying goodbye ....
Nathan.... heavy heart.

Here a just a few photos of our experience on Saturday at Lamars funeral. It was a beautiful tribute to him, but also one of the most difficult days I have ever experienced. It is one thing to go through grief yourself, but to see it unfold in the lives of people you love is so painful.
I watched the kids go through this grief and couldn't help but ask, "Why do such young people have to go through such big and hard things?" I know there are many answers to this question depending on who you ask, but at this point, none of them seem good enough. One thing that I know for sure; Kristen, Nate, Anela, Spencer and Dylan, you are strong, valiant and noble and I am so proud of you... I'll love you forever.

I love to see the temple ... Im going there someday ...

2008-06-28T00:15:00.005-10:00

This afternoon was very special. I got to go to the temple with my friend Ema and her son Regan. Regan received his endowments tonight in preparation for his mission to Japan. While sitting in the session I watched Ema watching her son experience the temple for the first time. It was such a beautiful sight. Like a movie on a fast rewind setting, I saw all the days and nights that Ema had dedicated to noble young man. All the days she cried with him and laughed with him, the serious conversations about life, and the fun times at the beach. The days she made him do his homework and go to scouts, and getting him to do his chores right and finish his dinner! Even the dreaded rule that she had; which was that he had to date two girls first before he could date that same girl again (oh mom!) And tonight came the reward. He followed her to the steps of the temple and came inside. What more could any mother want. Em - I salute you! You are amazing and my role model. You have done a great job raising your children as a single parent.

And just a few words about Regan. I told him tonight of the joy I experienced watching him in the temple. I tried to liken that joy to anything outside of the temple and came up lacking. There is an indescribable emotion I experience when I see our youth in the temple. They are so valiant and strong. I know there has been sacrifices to be worthy to be in the temple and to stand as a witness of Christ for two years. In a world where everything is about me, me, me, and now, now, now, it is so wonderful to witness selflessness and pure love in the eyes of a young man who loves his Savior, and in the eyes of a mother who loves her son.

Thank you both for the privilege of being there with you tonight. The song we sing in Primary rings true. I love to see the temple .... Im going there someday!

2008-06-26T13:02:00.001-10:00

2008-06-26T12:49:00.000-10:00

Goodbye Lamar ... We'll see you in the Morning

2008-06-26T08:05:00.000-10:00

Yesterday my friend Lamar passed away unexpectedly. Lamar is the husband of my dear friend Yasmin. Yasmin has always been there for me, and I am having such a hard time being here in Hawaii while she is suffering through this loss in Utah. When Jon died Yasmin and I were neighbors, and she came over about 5 times a day. Her visits kept me going through life and through my grief. Yasmin, I love you and my heart breaks for you. Lamar was an amazing man. He did not like to socialize like his wife so you would not see him at parties or ward activities. Fortunately for me, I got a few moments along the way to have some one on one time with Lamar.

The last time I saw Lamar he stopped by our new house to talk. He had his boots on and they were muddy as he was always dirty from working so hard outside, so he would not come in. He just wanted to talk out a few of his ideas and worries and I was the lucky ears that day. Thank you Lamar for that gift of your trust. Everytime he spoke he talked about how amazing and competent his wife is, and how he is in awe of everything she is able to do. I tried to tell him how amazing he is too, but he is one of those humble souls who could never quite see himself that way, he would see his imperfections. I know our Heavenly Father sees his heart and that it is good and full of charity. There are many stories of times when Lamar has been there for me. One night about a year ago my dog had climbed on the roof of my house and slid off. Lamar was my neighbor at the time. I called for him and he came. He helped me get our doggie into his van and drove me to the vet. I was so afraid because the dog wasn't really mine yet. I had him only 5 days on a trial basis and I was so afraid to call the dogs owner and tell him what happened. Lamar comforted me through all of this when no one else was there. His words to me soothed me and his concern for me, calmed me. Other times when a fence was down or a toilet wasn't working or a tire was flat, we would call Lamar and he would always come for me ... happy to help. Im trying to get my head around the idea that he is now in the Heavens. I know for sure that he will miss being with his amazing wife and children and that they will have a big hole in their lives now that will not be filled until they are all together again. Yet peace comes to us through our knowledge of the Plan of Salvation and through our Savior Jesus Christ. As it reads in the Book of Mormon, "But there is a resurrection, therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ". Thank you Lamar for teaching me how to be more like my Savior. I know when that resurrection comes, I will see you in the morning .............

All I really needed to know I learned in Kindergarten

2008-06-04T22:37:00.000-10:00

Congratulations to my Baby ....

Yesterday Anela "graduated" from Kindergarten. Here in the USA its a BIG deal. I had to get balloons and candy and Anela even scored a few $$. Friends and family travelled from afar to come and see. During the ceremony her teachers said that she is an outstanding student, that learning comes easy to her, and that she is a great helper in the classroom. They also said that she is very artistic. A trait she got from her father, not me. The funny thing is, Anela didn't want to graduate. When she woke up yesterday morning, this is what went down:

Me: "YAY, its graduation day".

Anela: "I have a doctors appointment."

Me: "Oh really, well if you go to the doctor you have to get shots.

And if you miss graduation you have to do Kindergarten all over again." (Lies of course).

Anela: "But I like Kindergarten."

I had to smile and think for a minute. What makes a 6 year old not want to graduate and move up in the world. Does she somehow know that it only gets harder from here. Does she know that more responsibility is looming around the corner. If it was up to me, we would have both stayed in bed all day and avoided the whole "growing up" thing. You know what they say anyway,

"All I really needed to know I learned in Kindergarten."

Im proud of you sweetie! Dont grow up to fast!

Just like a best friend ..........

2008-06-02T23:00:00.000-10:00

I think every woman must have an article of clothing like my Black skirt. Its like your best friend, always there for you when nothing else is working out. Well, today I think my black skirt has seen its last day. It could have lasted another 10 years (yes that is how long I have had it). But, one of my delightful children had gum in their pockets when they threw their clothes in the washer. When I opened the dryer to get out my crisp clean clothes, they suprisingly smelled minty. Strangely, my black skirt was the only article of clothing that was attacked by the gum. I wonder, was it just meant to be? Maybe it was its time. Yet, I am having a really hard time saying goodbye to something that has been there for me for so long and did its best every time to make me look good. So, if any of you know miraculous ways of getting gum out of things, please share. I'll hold on to it just a little longer ........... just in case.

Heres to knowing what you have.

2008-05-31T00:21:00.000-10:00

So Sarah didn't want to go to bed because there was a man in her room; and I didn't want to go to bed because there was NO man in my room. This is the story of why I started my first blog. I mean, what else is there to do at 12:45 am and you can't go to bed!

It only took 25 takes to get this gorgeous photo just right.

Let me introduce my friend Sarah.

She was my date tonight. We had "subway" and watched the movie "What Happens in Vegas". Yes, its a chick flick, but it was better than I expected. The moral of the story:

Sometimes, you have what you want and you just don't know it. So, heres to knowing what you have.